It all started when I was five years old. My sister and I were peacefully playing together in the sandbox when all of a sudden after an escalation of voices and aggression our parents ousted us to opposite corners of the room. All because we couldn’t agree on who had access to which corner of the sand. A conflict I’ll probably never forget, nor my sister for that matter.
Conflict happens on a daily basis from the mundane like that fateful sandbox, to the impactful and in life-changing ways. Today I want to explore what’s really going on when you or someone you know is in a conflict spiral, and how to deescalate that particular conflict.
Today I’m sharing three tips. Helpful assists I pull out of my toolbox when working with clients, and something they can use when faced with a conflicted situation. Take for instance a work conflict between team members. Time is spent on squabbling, productivity is down, sales or other opportunities might even be lost due to the distraction. A costly and unfortunate situation all around.
What I’ve discovered in 35 years of coaching leaders is that the stated conflict usually isn’t the issue. What we might call the tail wagging the dog. There is an underlying energy, something else is behind it – fear, loss, or shame. Some threat or pain or desire that is driving the person.
-If fear is the emotion you are dealing with… make it safe for that person.
-If loss is the emotion that you are dealing with… empathize with the person.
-If shame is the emotion you are dealing with…create an opportunity for them to be successful.
So how do you perceive the emotion being felt? There are tells: for example big eyes for fear, long face for loss, trying too hard for shame. If you pay attention, it is often apparent. Pro-tip: Feel what you are feeling in yourself! It most likely is the same for your counterpart.
Maybe these examples will help.
Shame: Two founders disputing over job titles. Seems trivial but I’ve seen founders split up over less. This conflict was resolved instantly and completely when one founder recognized each of their deeper need to be seen and respected. He saw that there were ways to get that to his colleague that would be way more potent than any job title ever could be.
Fear: A Engineering lead I worked with feared the future of the company she worked for. Are we doing well, or poorly? She had become afraid for her job and future because there wasn’t clarity from the exec team. She asked to see the numbers and was given a clearer understanding of the company’s progress and risks. This extra visibility took the fear level way down and, guess what, the conflicts around her were resolved.
Loss: CEOs I work with often bring painful experiences from their previous company. One such person had a conflict around a new hire. Dug in his heels deep. In the past, he had lost power and influence by hiring the wrong candidate, therefore, making his day-to-day tasks much more difficult and daunting. When he recognized his resistance had more to do with this past loss than the present candidate, the discussion instantly turned more creative.
I would love to hear about your recent experiences deescalating your conflicts.
As always, my best,
David Lesser