This is the first in a two-part series on using conflict as a doorway to greater clarity and power.
One important skill David Lesser teaches is how to confront conflict more directly and more effectively. The benefits include more space, more order and more peace, in people’s lives.
“So many people tell me they are just too busy, that they habitually overcommit themselves,” Lesser explained. “It’s caused by the fact that they can’t say ‘no.’ Colleagues of people who avoid confrontation often find them totally likable, but in the end they can’t really trust them in tough situations. They can’t be relied on as ‘go to’ individuals, because when they say ‘yes’ they don’t always follow through.
“On the positive side, these types of people tend to be very good at seeing tension in others and in their teams. They may be excellent peacemakers. But their integrity suffers.”
Lesser suggests that merely trying to modify the behavior usually proves unhelpful, because the root of the issue goes unaddressed. “This pattern comes down to a person’s relationship with power and strength, so I make it safe for people to make peace with their personal experiences with conflict, anger and boundaries. When people have seen power expressed in ways that were hurtful or frightening, either to themselves or to others, they can shun the feeling of power or directness in themselves.
“At some fundamental level, they made a decision never to be like that.”
What do they do when they realize this? “It’s very important to honor the reasons why someone might be resistant to squarely confronting conflict,” Lesser continued. “There is no need to try to override these reasons on the way to reclaiming one’s own confidence with respect to power and appropriate anger. In fact, such people are typically not short on these qualities. Rather, they are acutely aware of how strong they are and it scares them. The aversion to conflict fades when the person appreciates that they can be trusted to use their power safely. They of all people! Because they are sensitive to how anger, strength and boundaries can be used in hurtful ways, they are actually very trustable with this power.”
Lesser points out that leaders don’t inspire trust by declaring that they would never hurt anyone. It is those who remain alert to how they can hurt people with their power, while still confronting challenges head-on, who garner real and lasting trust in their colleagues.
One practice Lesser suggests so people can test-drive their newly reclaimed power is called Say No Cleanly. “I ask them to find seven people to say ‘no’ to, in situations where the pressure is low. For instance, their spouse may want to go together to a movie that is not really their thing and the person might consciously say ‘no’ in a direct and clean way. This helps people to build the muscle of using just the right amount of power so that they’re prepared when a more crucial ‘no’ moment arises.
I tried this myself and was amazed how much extra time opened up on my schedule from no longer saying yes to stuff that wasn’t really mine to do.
You might want to have a go at this approach. Write down your personal experiences with conflict, anger and boundaries, noting any decisions you may have made about who or what you never want to be like. Then reclaim your confidence in your own power. Practice saying no cleanly in seven low-stakes situations. Let us know your experience of this topic. And stay tuned for our follow up interview, in which we will cover the related issue of making clear agreements.