I can’t tell you how many people we work with who, as a young girl or boy, felt in some way under-appreciated. Practically everyone! Right? We all know what it is to want to be seen, crave respect, be understood, or even just fairly treated.
By adulthood, this festers into a pervasive unworthiness. We become so habituated to the feeling of not being good enough that we can hardly tell we are feeling it. It just seems true that, to be worth anything, we have to be or do something amazing.
This is the performance wound.
Often the drive even to consider being a leader has its root in an urge to feel and to heal this. Whether it has them being shy or superior, imposter or savior, great leaders I have had the privilege to work with want to face their unworthiness. You can probably recognize for yourself moments of profound shift when the way you see yourself expanded. It is a lot easier to embrace the pain of not being seen when we start to see ourselves more fully.
Healing This Wound
Recently, Chellsa and I did something we haven’t done for a while. We went to a party in the City. Hosted by a wonderful new client, the average age was probably half my years. It was intimidating at first! Then… we couldn’t believe how welcome we felt. How seen. These folks were shockingly generous, not just with their genuinely curious conversation but with specific words of appreciation. For us and who we are. For everyone present. This culture of looking for the greatness in each other, and acknowledging it, was totally up-lifting.
As I am sure you are aware, there is something of a mental health crisis going on out there. With demand increasing and supply reducing, we are short—by thousands—of the therapists we need. Studies also show that culture, attitude, and self awareness are massive contributors to mental and emotional wellbeing. People whose focus shifts from just getting buffeted by the content of their lives to a more holistic perspective start to heal their own wounds.
What stimulates such a shift in identity and viewpoint? Yes, brilliant coaching, no doubt. New information. Spiritual practice perhaps. Under all that, I suggest this next major evolution of our species may be all about a culture of generous appreciation.
It would be too easy to idealize the up and coming generations. No doubt, youngsters today are as capable of being mean as ever. However, I keep getting blown away by the quality of those I am meeting. People today can, and have to see themselves from a bigger perspective. If we only rely on the same old playbook, this mental health crisis is more likely to get worse than better. However, as we become eager to find the unique gift in the people we meet, and acknowledge it, the culture we create turns shame and anxiety into confidence.
How do you experience not being enough? What shifted that for you? How do you see that playing in the world around you?
Best!
David