Trying to connect…
If I were only allowed to learn and to teach one skill, it might be this: how to confront conflict directly and effectively. The benefits of this approach are huge – it creates more space, order, and peace in your life.
Not Enough Time
I’ve often heard people say they’re just too busy, that they overcommit themselves constantly. I’ve seen this happen because they struggle to say ‘no.’ People who avoid confrontation might be likable, but in tough situations, they’re often not reliable. They’ll say ‘yes,’ but then don’t follow through, which can be frustrating for those around them.
On the plus side, these individuals tend to have a keen sense of tension within teams, and they’re often great at making peace. But the challenge is that their reluctance to address conflict can lead to a loss of integrity.
The Deeper Issue
What I’ve found is that simply trying to change behavior doesn’t really help unless the deeper issue is addressed. The real challenge usually comes down to a person’s relationship with power and strength. I focus on helping people make peace with their personal experiences of conflict, anger, and boundaries. Often, when someone has seen power used in hurtful or frightening ways, they become hesitant to express that power themselves.
They may have made an internal decision to never be like those who used power harmfully.
Explore Your Resistance
When people realize this, I encourage them to honor the reasons for their resistance to confronting conflict. I’ve learned that there’s no need to push through these reasons hastily while trying to regain confidence in their ability to manage power and appropriate anger. Most people who shy away from conflict are not lacking in these qualities. In fact, they’re very aware of their own strength, and that awareness can actually be intimidating. But when they understand that they can use their power safely and responsibly, the discomfort with conflict begins to fade. In fact, their sensitivity to how anger, strength, and boundaries can hurt others actually makes them more trustworthy when it comes to handling power.
Leaders don’t build trust by simply declaring they would never hurt anyone. True trust comes from those who are aware of how their power could be misused but still tackle challenges head-on, knowing they can handle the situation carefully.
Practice Saying No
One practice I suggest to help people rebuild their confidence in power is called “Say No Cleanly.” This exercise involves saying ‘no’ to seven low-stakes requests. For example, if a spouse asks to go to a movie that doesn’t interest you, say ‘no’ directly and cleanly. This helps people practice using just the right amount of power, preparing them for situations where saying ‘no’ is more crucial.
I’ve tried this myself and was surprised at how much extra time opened up once I stopped saying ‘yes’ to things that weren’t mine to do.
If you want to try this approach, start by reflecting on your own experiences with conflict, anger, and boundaries. Write down any decisions you made about who or what you never want to be like. Then, work on regaining confidence in your own power. Practice saying ‘no’ cleanly in seven low-stakes situations.
I would love to hear of your experience with this topic.
All the best,
David Lesser