Sometimes I get asked to do an exit interview with a disgruntled departing employee. It is always tragic to see the loss of good talent that couldn’t find a fit. For example, while the boss felt the person was more disruptive than productive, the departing employee felt bullied like he always had to fight to be heard.
How we respond to that feeling of “I have to fight in order to be heard” is all about the boundary wound, the topic of my fourth and final blog in this Turning Pain Into Profit series. We will look at 3 steps to mastering issues of inclusion and exclusion.
The Opportunity
The problem of course is that we each create our own reality, and sometimes people defend their reality too aggressively while others surrender theirs too meekly. If some people don’t want to be included in what you are creating, or don’t have the aptitude for it, the sooner that becomes clear the better. However, when you can engage a wider range of talent and insight in any endeavor, you significantly increase your chances of success.
How do we skillfully exclude what is clearly not a fit for now and how do we include important voices that have become marginal?
Step 1: Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
You want the intent of your project and the rules of engagement to be so clear that people for whom it is not a fit naturally exclude themselves. Even if you mistakenly try to include them. Dedicate plenty of time to ensuring everyone understands what good looks like and what happens if that is missed.
Step 2: Enter the Other Person’s Reality
Some leaders are intuitively gifted at walking in others’ shoes. For some it seems foreign. The main thing is to be interested. Choose the most marginal voice in the team, the person who feels most different from you, and, in a meditative space, think about these three questions:
1. What must you believe?
2. What emotion are you feeling?
2. What do I perceive about it all?
You know you have entered the other’s reality when there is like a click inside of you as you realize: “If I had those beliefs and was feeling that emotion, I would probably behave that same way!”
Once you get to that place, 9 times out 10 you will find a way to include the gifts even the most awkward of people have to offer.
Step 3: Let them Know they’ve Been Heard
Quality of listening is so important. Use the simple skill of reflecting back your understanding of what they are saying, as much as possible in the words they use. Remember you also need to feel heard. Ask to hear what you are saying reflected back to you. It’s worth it to prevent so many potential misunderstandings.
As a now super-networked species, we see how divided factions can fragment into separate realities that sometimes seem like uncrossable boundaries. But we also know more about people different from ourselves than ever before, and if we take the opportunity to reach into others’ reality, we discover the human experience itself is evolving into expanded awareness.
Don’t forget to read all the posts in this series: Turn Pain Into Profit, Abandonment Wound, Performance Wound, The Control Wound.
All the best,
David Lesser
P.S: Hey LA! I’m conducting a meetup for a special project I’m spearheading. Take a look and do sign up if you are in the area.