When someone sits down with me, we usually start with what they do know—facts, thoughts, issues. But the real breakthroughs usually come in the moment they stumble into what they don’t know.
For example, I often find myself considering life options in a crucial transition. For sure, we want to help the person structure their thinking. Take the time to get out all the pros and cons, and all that. We recognize, however, that they have probably run this data round and round in their head countless times already. If the key to the answer was there, they’d have found it by now.
We want to know where they are not looking. That’s where the good stuff really is. That’s where transformation comes.
Here are two practices I’ve found incredibly powerful in helping leaders uncover what they are not seeing:
1. Keep Asking Yourself: “What Might I Be Missing?”
This simple question can shift your whole perspective. I ask it all the time, of myself and in coaching conversations.
It’s not about predicting the future or solving every external problem. It’s about tuning toward what hasn’t yet been discovered within the individual.
One client made a list of everything he didn’t know—from how to cook to how to really, truly listen. It was uncomfortable—but revealing. That list became a key to deeper insight. So often it is something with respect to oneself. “I don’t know how to play”, “I don’t know why I am not more disciplined,” or “I don’t know how to tell someone how much they matter to me.”
Try this. Make your own list. Shine a light into the corners you usually avoid. Ask yourself what you’re not seeing—because that’s often where the key to your next step is hiding.
2. Shout It Out: “I DON’T KNOW!”
This one’s raw—but powerful.
Say the words “I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW ” out loud. Then again. Louder. Again. Let it build. Let it shake something loose. Then close your eyes in silence and see what comes. Time and time again, I’ve found this short practice to reveal remarkable insight.
What comes after that release might surprise you.
For example, after trying this, a client sat in silence before admitting, “I want to do something bigger than I have dared confess, even to myself. I think I have something really important to bring.” From that insight, his next step was obvious. He just needed to blow away his own resistance to seeing it. For another, the insight that came was: “I have to ask what I want for myself, not just what I think will make everybody else happy.” For someone else, that may have been plain, but given this person’s conditioning, it was a big breakthrough. When I first did this practice, then closed my eyes, I felt my body lift off like it wanted to fly, and it turned out that to lighten up and accept the support of another was the answer I needed.
Whether you try these on your own or with someone you trust, exploring what you don’t know is a gateway and not a weakness.
It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about being open enough to find the key questions that might be hidden in unlikely places.
That’s where change begins.
Do let me know how any of this works for you,
David Lesser