He was invited to speak about vegetarianism at a conference in London. Nervous and not quite feeling ready for public speaking he hesitated but said yes anyway, he’d be there. Arriving an hour early, while ducking behind the nearby building he smoked a cigarette to calm his nerves. Our mystery man was none other than Mahatma Gandhi, possibly one of the greatest leaders of all time. Did he get the nerve to show face? Did he accomplish what he set out to do? Did he deliver one of the most impactful keynotes in history? As Oxford-lore would share, he high-tailed it out of there, leaving the conference high and dry and the crowd to fend for a no-show.
We all have our low moments of disheartenment, even Gandhi wasn’t exempt from this very normal, very often-felt feeling.
It’s really hard for leaders when a member of their team feels disheartened. Most of our clients naturally hire motivated people but everyone has a moment when they just feel low. What can you do in this situation?
Here is what you don’t want to do: Fix it! Trying to encourage people out of their disheartenment rarely helps. Highlighting the many good things going on in an effort to get the person to see they shouldn’t feel the way they do… just makes them feel worse. Feeling low was bad enough. Now they are getting the message from a person they admire, or to whom they are responsible, that it is wrong to feel this way.
In your approach to someone who may be feeling disheartened, include these three steps:
1. Listen. Inquire what’s really going on. You want to understand the color and texture of their feelings. Is it sadness, disappointment, shame, anger, or fear? What story are they telling themselves that leads them to feel disheartened? When we hear our story out loud, it becomes less dominant than when it was just swirling in our heads.
2. Normalize the feeling. Everyone feels this from time to time – look at Gandhi, for example. Whether it is missing a milestone or the future of the planet, this feeling is expected given the immediate local and international crises we face. If you didn’t feel low sometimes, I would be worried because these most tender and challenging moments show me you really care. It makes sense that you would feel what you are feeling.
3.Connect moments of disheartening with greatness. Greatness isn’t perfection or euphoria the entire time. Real greatness is when you get back on the horse and keep going in the low times. The greatest of all leaders are the ones who know how to feel disheartened. It’s not about feeling good, it’s about being good at feeling. Staying open and staying engaged even when you feel empty and down. That is where greatness comes from.
I would love to hear your experiences supporting yourself and others through the down times.
As always, my best,
David Lesser