Trying to connect…
I recently heard writer, actor, and director Jesse Eisenberg admitting to an “overall deep shame and self-hatred”. If highly successful celebrities criticize themselves like this, how about the rest of us? I have been examining my journey of self-emergence. Today’s blog post is about finding your place in the world. I notice how who I am in the world has traversed three distinct phases: Seeking, Finding, and Being. Many of my clients and friends seem to go through similar phases. Perhaps you as well.
Seeking Phase:
In the seeking phase, it is natural and important to believe there’s more. More we can be doing. More we’ve got to give. An ideal of greatness or perfection–adequacy at least. Something to be sought after. We are motivated by what we have not yet achieved.
For example, a Senior Manager craving, then getting a Director role now ready to walk through lava to be a Senior Director. Or an artist finally getting recognized by a reputed art gallery, and still wanting more.
If we are choosing to want more, great. However, the seeking phase often festers into self-talk that diminishes our own value and contribution. We feel in order to seek a better version of ourselves, we have to disparage the present expression of who we are. Which deflates confidence and leaks power. So, whenever and whatever you are seeking, deliberately appreciate who you are now.
Finding Phase:
In the finding phase, there is a feeling of success. Something is working. People are appreciative of your gift, and you accept your own failings and limitations as well. As I trace my own experience, there was a moment of transition when I noticed that I no longer wish to cover up things I don’t like about myself or use self-diminishing chatter to suggest that I’m not as good as others are. Here I became driven by the statement that: who I am is enough.
For example, a CEO who is stressed and burnt out from a chaotic year will have a powerful breakthrough at the start of the new quarter when she goes on a transformative retreat to renew and reflect on the trajectory of her life. Through her reflection, she finds acceptance of herself as she is, and realizes that the chaos she endured was at least partially self-induced. She is at peace with who she is. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole lot more to give, which unfolds now with the grace and the pleasure of feeling great at what she does.
Being Phase:
So to the third evolution: from the Finding phase to Being. Living in flow. For me, this shows up as a profound stillness. My relationship with the world–previously more focused on reaching for what I was seeking than expressing what I was finding–has simplified. It is about resting in what is here. At times this phase feels full of affection. I love the world, and care for what is happening here, for the people I know and don’t know. Intoxicated with possibility. At times it is painful. It hurts to see opportunity squandered or innocence abused. While I still celebrate achievements, the bigger thrill is connection. My uninhibited connection with you. The pure fulfillment of feeling how everything I engage with is somehow made whole because I am here holding it as such.
Take for example the 1-minute video project I recently launched. It isn’t so important how many people participate, or view our creations. What matters to me is how we all reveal ourselves, and–just maybe–inspire others to show the deeper parts of themselves, and see that in each other. That is something I get energized about!
You can join our online meetup here.
Which of these 3 phases do you find yourself in today? Notice how they ebb and flow. You can be seeking in one aspect of your life, and finding or being in a different aspect. One is not better than another. However, to be aware enough to glean the benefits of each… therein is the art of living!
Best,
David Lesser