The challenges that leaders bring up in coaching sessions are so often about conflicts that have turned nasty. Surveys show people still fear war more than climate change or technology. As I am sure you have noticed, most conflict comes from some struggle about who is in control of what.
The control wound. “I have to stop bad things from happening.”
This, the third in my Turning Pain Into Profit series, is not just about the trauma underlying this wound and the havoc it causes. That would be too easy! It is really about the secrets of control… how to see through the most subtle of controllers, how to use fear to resolve instead of creating conflict, and how to keep control by giving it away.
Smell the Fear
Wide eyes, furrowed brow, avoidant or intense eye contact, defensive posture, blaming language. While there are a hundred known indicators that a person has gotten caught in the grip of having to stop bad things from happening, I find most of us can tell instinctively when a person is coming from fear.
These are the two questions I ask myself:
- What is the bad thing—the risk, danger or threat—they are trying to prevent?
- How are they trying to control the situation?
Over the years, I have seen some high-powered controllers in action. No doubt you have too.
My discovery is that, when you look, even the most subtle of controlling moves, the most skillful of manipulations, or seemingly innocent smokescreens are completely bloody obvious when you look! The trick is to be alert to how you are triggered so you are neither denying nor inflating.
Try it. Just watch people. You will discover that, with a little attentiveness, you are already maestro at sniffing out what people are trying to control and how.
End the Conflict
The way I was brought up conditioned me to be against fear. To disparage controllers. Wrestle back as much control as I could.
Once you are aware what people are protecting, however, it is usually much more effective to join them. To let them feel how you too want to protect that ‘bad thing’ from happening. From there, you get into tactics. Maybe it becomes apparent that overly aggressive or obstructive approaches are actually making the ‘bad thing’ more likely. As we bring a more open intelligence to the problem, skillful means of resolving it start to show themselves.
This invitation to be more intelligent together is also playing out collectively. Whether we do it clumsily or gracefully, as a species we are taking a leap into new ways of harnessing information and awareness. If we do actually increase intelligence, not just data, that will show up as understanding each other better. Perceiving what we’re each trying control and, rather than fighting over that, finding more skillful ways of working together.
Expand the Creative Field
When I am working with a CEO who is getting feedback about micromanaging, it is usually in a relatively small company, say 10-100 people. I ask them to imagine what it must be like for some of my clients who lead a workforce of thousands. There is no way old modes of control with wide eyes, furrowed brow, defensive posture, and blaming language, will cut it!
The maestro leaders are expert at giving away control.
While some of this is about designing a system of delegation—executive coaches have our not-so-secret playbook for that—the genius is in what you keep control of. As we grow, we become adept at ever more subtle and more potent levels of influence. Great leaders discover they can delegate the work of the team while retaining, even refining control over the values and the tone of the endeavor. As we lift people to be passionately aligned on values and tone, it is easier for them to disagree productively about activities and methods.
How are you also finding that the more you give away control, intelligently, the more influence you have?
Best!
David
If you missed the first three posts in this Turning Pain into Profit series head here to read them all in order: Introduction to the Wounds, Abandonment Wound, and the Performance Wound.