People say things to me they can’t say to anyone else. As a coach, I’m not implicated in the team’s drama. I have no stake in who’s up or down. I provide a low-risk place for the tough stuff to land.
Often that’s when someone has screwed up, or thinks they have. They made a call that didn’t work out, and they are taking it personally. They’re disappointed in themselves, and that is one of the trickiest emotions to navigate.
Even though the way the person is judging him- or herself may be unmerited, I am always glad when a client can say that out loud. It means they’re being honest, and honesty is where the growth begins.
Of all the emotions, shame has a habit of nesting in our identity. The leap from “I made a mistake” to “something is wrong with me” is short, and most of us make it without noticing. The moment we do, it stops being about an event and becomes about who we are. That’s what makes it so painful. Leaders are especially prone to it. They carry a lot of responsibility and are used to being the one who gets it right.
So when someone tells me they feel like a disappointment, here’s how I work through it with them.
First, Separate the Event from the Person
When we point it out, most people can see how shame has moved this mistake from being about an event to into their identity. We invite them to feel the distinction between “I made a bad call”and “I’m a failure”. These are two very different feelings. “I’m a failure” usually has an odor, like an old smell that you want to get away from. It feels small. In contrast, “I made a mistake” feels clean. Still painful. But there remains an underlying sense of self respect: I am happy to be me.
For many, failure is the easier default because it is so familiar, learned perhaps from someone we loved. Once they see themselves again as a good person, however, they become someone who wants to learn and grow. The mistake is separate from the person. An interesting opportunity.
Second, Explore “What I Can Learn”
Early in my career, I was facilitating a leadership group, one of whom had a kind of rebel thing going. He knew the guidelines we had agreed to and seemed to take pleasure in doing his own thing regardless. I confronted him forcefully, right in front of the group. It got heated, and I immediately realized this was a bad move. It left the whole room feeling unsafe. I was practically in tears during the break.
Then I got curious. This wasn’t just a power struggle between two roles, or points of view. I had something to learn about working with strong personalities. I hadn’t wrecked the session or proven my unsuitability for this work. I’d run into a style I needed to learn to engage, and staying mindful of my own reactions became a habit I still rely on today.
Third, Take Action
Real change happens when we act on the new recognition. For example, when I work with an overstretched exec who missed a deadline, instead of just promising to “do better,” we set up a weekly review. I have seen countless clients’ relationships with their team improve after they owned a mistake openly and honestly. Even a relatively small new behavior shifts that smelly old shame feeling into confidence. “I may make mistakes, but I trust myself to learn from them.”
The next time you catch yourself thinking “I’m a disappointment,” ask: is this about who I am, or what I did?
Best regards,
David Lesser