Last weekend Chellsa and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary with friends enjoying a special meal together. We all shared about the gifts and challenges of relationships. A benefit and a challenge for us has to do with warrior energy. While Chellsa is more than comfortable with conflict, I on the other hand am averse to it. I enjoy stepping back to see a solution and she on the other hand likes to provoke changes by disturbing stuck patterns. When we fight, we each engage very differently.

Today’s post is all about harnessing your warrior energy.

I will use as my examples two clients with the seemingly opposite patterns described above. What I’ve discovered is that whether we are coaching a passive or an aggressive pattern–too little or too much warrior energy–we use the same basic tool.

Commit To A Measurable Win

That tool is to make a clear agreement about the desired outcome. 

The imbalance of too much or too little warrior energy is a boundary wound. It has to do with the line between self and other; between what I feel and what you feel, what I want and what you want. Most of us get conditioned in some way that clear lines don’t matter. So we get in the habit of either not coming up to our line or crossing the other person’s line. 

Measurable wins will make it easier for the conflict averse to bring up your energy to go for the attainable result and for those who are conflict comfortable to stop when you’ve achieved your intent. An attainable goal might be anything from speaking up in a coming meeting or achieving an appropriate business goal. 

Too Little Warrior Energy For The Mix 

For this client, we set up a challenge to use her largely-hidden strength. She had to push against people who were giving her resistance, giving her the opportunity to be loud and push against them. We marked her goal as a silver line on the floor to symbolize bringing her truth. When she was able to REALLY bring her full power, we let her get the silver line. Finally, she was no longer managing worries but giving it all, trusting her powerful self. The change in her face was extraordinary as she rehabilitated her strength back into her being. Even though when she was little she had seen strength used to bully people, she trusted herself to use it for benefit. Indeed, avoiding this energy could allow something harmful to perpetuate. 

Too Much Warrior Energy For The Mix

This client would say: “It’s my style to always fight!” Directness is king, avoiding is weak. This can so easily show up as fighting to lose. Even when the more rational part can see there is nothing to gain, they get in your face anyway. When we lose the point in favor of needing to feel strong, we end up hurting ourselves and our leadership in the process. 

So we focussed him on the win. What is the benefit you want to achieve? Fight for that by being aware of what is most likely to bring the result you want. Don’t just be a one-track pony. If blunt aggressive words will get you that win, go for it. If being super skillful–playing chess so to speak–will get you the win, go for that. Just fulfill the creative intent and no more. Stop short of overpowering the other.    

This same tool of committing to a measurable win brought up the strength of the person who was conflict averse and balanced the strength of the person preferring conflict. 

I would love to hear your experience of how you balance warrior energy in yourself and with those around you.


David Lesser